My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
