Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
