I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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