Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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