my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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