whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
