bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
