every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
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