He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
