I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize