Having a random hookup so left but love u
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Randomize
