Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Randomize
