Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize