Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
