the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Randomize
