i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
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