Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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