a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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