Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
