She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
