We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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