I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
