franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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