On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
well I can't set my house on fire every night
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Semen is not good for contacts.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
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