I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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