Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
