The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
