david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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