Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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