Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Randomize
