I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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