Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Randomize
