someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
