hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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