idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
