GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Everclear isn't food dammit
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize