Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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