I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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