I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
