Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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