i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
