that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
