Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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