just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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