Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
