Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
