apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
