Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
