I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
