we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
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