so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Randomize
