Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
