I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
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