I wish you could order shots online.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
