Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
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