will power is for people who don't want to get laid
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize