I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
