Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
