so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Randomize
