her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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