physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
