Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
