you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
