well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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