Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
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