Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
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