i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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