After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
