omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
