Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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