So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
