I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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