Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
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