So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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